


Looking up, looking down and looking away

by sherbal



Category: The Grand Tour (TV) RPF, Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: M/M, angst as usual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-31
Updated: 2017-01-31
Packaged: 2018-09-21 03:50:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9530324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sherbal/pseuds/sherbal
Summary: Usual angst from all three of them's perspectives





	

**Author's Note:**

> Unifinished but I'll get on with it

  
Looking down  
Jeremy is a tall man. Maybe he's a little bit fat and slightly bald on the top of his head. But he is tall, according to any standards in every country.  
Being tall is a nice experience. For one thing, people won't be tall enough to see your bald areas. He's actually still pretty smug about this. Even though he was getting bald about ten years ago. Few people have either the ability or courage to acknowledge him about his baldness.  
But on the other hand, being a tall man sometimes means more trouble. When he sits on a sofa which is very low, he can't handle his legs well. There is no way in the world to make his legs feel more comfortable if not stretching them in front of him, which normally can't happen because a coffee table will be in the way.  
Also, he has to endlessly look down to someone shorter than him, which is almost everyone other than Peter Jones. He blames his bad neck for this.  
He means "look down to somebody" literally. Of course, he hates stupid people, especially when they are too short and busy arguing with him and he has to actually look down to pretend that he's not actually looking down on them.  
And one short bloke who constantly argues with him is Richard Hammond, his favorite midget. Of course, he won't say it out loud. They are mates. Mates don't say things that make themselves look like a middle-aged sentimental old queer. Mates usually vomit on each other after a couple of rounds in the bar and apologize afterwards carelessly.  
But he does mean "Richard Hammond is his favorite" in a brotherly way. But saying it out loud will definitely sound a lot more gayer than Elton John's wardrobe. Yes, he enjoys teasing Hammond endlessly when they work together. He needs some excitement from this day-to-day job which is interesting but can be rather tiresome and annoying sometimes. He pretty much enjoys the hamster jumping up and down to his bad height jokes. It's like bullying smaller kids in school but knowing they won't run away and cry to their parents or report to the teachers. He gets kicks from this.  
But deep down inside him, he knows perfectly well that Richard is not a stupid little man. Maybe little, but definitely not stupid. He's much smarter than he acts to be. Richard Hammond is like a lake in woods. The water is still and almost see-through. But when you fall in it, you probably won't be very lucky if you can't swim.  
This Richard Hammond wins his career on television in his mid-thirties. Back when he was in his mid-thirties, he was still wearing leather jackets and tight pants while saying nonsense around a Nissan. You'll never know what energy and passion in a short bloke. God is always fair. Short people always have much more inside their head in contrast with their limited height.  
Hammond is actually less fighty when he's off cameras. They argue in works but when the work is wrapped and staff begin packing, he's a milder person. They are always tired, presenters or producers or cameramen. But people show their tiredness in different ways. For example, his is anger; James's, well, just tiredness. But Hammond, who seldom shows any sign of frustration, not only because he's the youngest or the most energetic, but because he simply won't allow it. But when he does appear to be tired, he shows sadness.  
It was episode nine right after Hammond returning from his accident. Although Hammond claimed to be the old usual chap, people could always notice something was wrong. Hammond's memory was not as good as usual. There were times when he couldn't show up at the filming scene and producers had to ring him to bring him here. He also forgot people's names. John or Peter or Alex, he always mixed them up.  
People were being tolerant and caring at first, but as time went on, they realized that he was not improving and you actually couldn't blame them for getting tired of permanent waiting for Hammond getting the script right. Even Jeremy and James were getting impatient after a longer time.  
It was a particular tough day. They were filming a outdoor scene with heavy rain pouring down. Hammond's memory got worse and he said one short line about fifth time to get this right. And he was actually ruining the punchline. The staff was moaning and every one was very upset. The atmosphere was getting tense.  
He was standing in the rain, soaking wet and desperately wanting a nice hot bath. But Hammond couldn't say his bloody line right. He just lost it there.  
"Hammond, if you can't get it right this time. We'll find another one who can!"  
He immediately regretted it after the words just came out of his mouth.  
James was shocked and raised his head from his collars to look at them.  
He thought Hammond was going to shout and say "fuck you" and walk away. But he didn't.  
Hammond was quiet. His hair was dripping water onto his shoulders. His body was tense but powerless at the same time. In the rain, the small figure was getting blurry.  
"Richard..." he knew that an apology only works right after you make a mistake.  
He said it in such a small voice that he could barely hear himself in the howling wind.  
Hammond just nodded at the director and he did it again. He still couldn't make it.  
The producer decided they should call it a day and sent them back to the office.  
He tried to reach Hammond but he quickly disappeared into one of their cars.  
They went back to the office at about seven and he wished to be at home in no time. He decided to make a quick apology to Hammond and get home as fast as he could.  
But the short fella was no where to be found. He asked Hammond's associate and went to the loo to find him.  
He opened the door and found one Richard Hammond standing beside the sinks, shoulder down and hands on his face. Was he crying?  
"Richard?" He walked to stand next to the smaller man.  
Hammond ignored him but didn't walk away. He just stood there, leaning on the sinks, with his face covered in his hands.  
"I'm sorry for saying such horrible things. It's a bad day. Will you forgive me?" He looked down to Hammond with defeat, not knowing what to do. He was so freaking tired.  
Hammond lowered his hands and turned to him. His eyes were still red and tears dropped from the corner of his eyes.  
"I can't remember the lines, Jeremy." He said this in almost an inaudible way.  
His hair was damp from the rain and his wet jackets stuck to his body. He looked venerable in this dim toilet which had incredibly dirty floor and many broken doors.  
"It's okay. Richard. It's just now. You'll get better." He said to him in the same way he talked to his son who cried for breaking his leg in a football match.  
"What if I'll never get better. " Hammond swallowed hard. "I'll never get better."  
He looked at Jeremy with his big brown eyes. Why was it breathtakingly beautiful of a man in his late thirties with tears?  
"You will." He knew that this wasn't a good answer. But he was too tired and too cold to think of anything else to say.  
Hammond looked hurt and wiped his face with his sleeves in a hurry way.  
He didn't say another word and Jeremy didn't know how to react.  
They stared at each other awkwardly. He thought about hugging him, but it was becoming difficult for him to lift his arms. He would fall asleep right here on this dirty floor.  
He was waiting for Hammond to say something, to say that he was alright and then Jeremy could go home without feeling guilty any more.  
But Hammond stood perfectly still, staring at him with a blank face.  
Was he about to faint?  
Jeremy thought he better did something to end this internal game of staring. But Hammond gave up and lowered his head and walked away.  
He was not that cold-blooded, but he found that he couldn't care less. Richard Hammond was not the only one who was tired and cold and frustrated.  
//  
Looking up  
Death was not that scared to him. Bang! And there came the eternity of silence and peace. Surely he didn't have any suicidal tendencies. It was just that, to him, death was a much quicker and less painful option.  
Losing your memories or knowledge and skills wasn't that scary. You forgot it, then you could learn it again. What was truly frightening was that you didn't know what exactly did you forget. What was thrown out of your head when that jet car crashed. You wake up alive, thinking everything was okay. And then at one point, when you were visited by friends. You discovered that you didn't know their names. Or watching a talk show, but not knowing you had been on that show one year ago.  
Hammond couldn't sleep at night. It was the curiosity about himself that frightened him. Did he have a mistress before the crash, perhaps a French lady whom he couldn't remember ? Mindy teased him about this constantly. He laughed and kissed her. But inside his mind, he was panicking. What if he had one? What if there was somebody he loved other than Mindy?  
Mindy was fantastic obviously. But why did he constantly thinking about a person or more precisely, a vague concept of a lover? He felt he had a hole in his head and heart. But what freaked him out was the truth that he was not even sure that person existed. Maybe just a fantasy. Maybe it was the medicine that was messing with his head.  
When he laid eyes on Mindy and his girls, he felt a slight sense of guilty. But when he tried really hard to memorize every single detail of his previous life. He felt guilty again for being guilty. He should probably leave those thoughts that were confusing him. He should enjoy every moment with his lovely wife and daughters instead of spending all day making up the existence of his previous lover.  
He slept. He ate. He played with his children.  
But there was always a bit of stirring feelings in him. He felt the desire to love someone. He felt a soft spot in his heart saved specifically for that person. But he didn't know who that was.  
His mates from Top gear visited him and he was so glad that their names didn't slip from his worn head. James bought him a box of legos just to annoy him, mostly. But soon he found that playing with legos could actually rest his minds even better than sleeping. His daughters play with him from time to time and he was truly grateful for James's thoughtfulness.  
Jeremy, on the other hand, didn't show up that much. But once his long body appeared in this hospital room, the air of happiness seemed to flow into the room. He was loud and laughed at his own terrible jokes. But Hammond liked Jeremy here. The great oaf was the only one who didn't treat him as a porcelain doll at that time. He was sick of people's compassion and the shushing gestures from the nurses. He wanted big noises and careless laughters. And Jeremy was the one who brought him both. When he looked up from his books or legos to find a tall man by the door shouting his name, he felt normal.  
He was still forgetting things after the crash. He always forgot that he had finished the lego-building yesterday and every morning he was surprised at who played with his legos when he was asleep.  
His memory was not working as well. He couldn't even remember his phone numbers no matter how many times he tried to write them down.  
And finally when he got back to work, the whole thing became a disaster. His bad memory made things even complicated than before.  
He was truly a mess. It was painful to be like this, a mess. But there was nothing he could do about it.  
He was in London once and couldn't find his way home and was about to phone Mindy to pick him up, just when he found out he was near Jeremy's London flat.  
It was getting dark and he saw the light of the flat was on. It was really tempting to give his colleague a visit.


End file.
